Nothing more natural than cross-gender friendships?


This post is part of the February Synchroblog “Cross Gender Friendships”. The list with the contributions , which I recommend you to read too, can  be found at the end of this post.

I am one of those calvin-and-susie-25895people whose mere existence can be a threat to some peoples worldview…

I really don’t get certain (sub)cultural taboos for example, and they actually are quite unnatural and illogical to me. One of them is the way American conservative people are offended by the word ‘shit’, but that might be for another time. Today it’s about the idea that ‘men and women can’t be friends’. This is something that seems to be a doctrine in certain Christian circles, but I’ve also encountered it in other places that were completely unchristlike, and actually have thought it  to be misogynist worldliness for a long time. And moreover, everything I know in my life points to the obvious fact that this is just nonsense…

If we skip the discussion about the segregation of the sexes that exists in certain Muslim context for example, and just look at the cultures I more or less align with, we still find enough examples. I remember as a teenager that I was watching a Flemish talkshow on the subject, and there were people for whom it was natural that such friendships were possible, but also some kind of weird loud working-class guy who said that it was impossible for men and women to be friend, with some reasoning about sex and gender roles and a lot of stuff I could not relate to. I think that was the first time I realised that some people had the idea that cross-gender friendships are impossible, or even harmful.

Maybe for some personality types it is harder, I don’t know, I suppose so. I also wonder if you’re used to watching women as lust objects it is harder to relate to them as friends… at least that was my explanation for the phenomenon that some people were unable to be friends with the other sex. I had noticed early enough (and seen it again and again) that the type of man who likes to boast about watching porn and make remarks about women passing by on the street was less likely to have ‘just’ friendships* with women (the sort of women they found attractive that is, they might be friends with the old lady behind the bar or so…)

The thing is that I was the kind of boy who always found it easier to make friends with girls than with boys. And there was no ‘hidden agenda’ for me, I’ve always tended to friend girls whose presence I liked, but to whom I did not have romantic attraction. (At that age I was too shy to friend girls I was in love with anyway, it made me uncomfortable and stuff. Poor me…) So anyone who ever tells me it’s impossible to have friends of the other sex is like someone telling a Martian that aliens don’t exist. Not in a million years it will ever be convincing unless you destroy my identity…

As a Christian teenager I  liked to hang out with girls more than with boys, and was friends with several of them, and never heard (or at least did not understand from what I heard) that it could be wrong. I heard a lot of stuff about relationships, but since I’ve been single until I was 21 or so, that stuff wasn’t relevant. what I did hear was that friendship was important in a relationship, and I never conceived that a friendship with a person of the other sex not leading to a romantic relationship or a marriage could ever be a problem…

Maybe I sometimes encountered stuff like stories of pastors who wouldn’t even be alone with a woman not their wife, or of the dangers of meeting other women alone if you had a relationship, but that did not apply to a single person who was not at all such an exotic thing as an American pastor… And to be honest, not much difference happened (except for a shift in priority) when I started a relationship, or even when I married.

Later when I was in my late twenties I saw some signs that it was actually a taboo, especially for married people, to have cross-gender friends. But I was actually married by that time, and both me and my wife still had good friends of the other sex, so I just found it weird, and couldn’t relate to the idea. Upon investigating the subject it turned out a lot of people would find my life and friendships unnatural and dangerous, or just not possible. (Americans seem to like to quote some movie about Harry and Sally on the subject, but I’ve never seen it, and I don believe in the cannonisation of Hollywood movies at all… I also find it quite nonsensical from the viewpoint that a lot of people are bisexual. Should they have no friends?)

But it became a subject that held my interest. I learned a lot about the subject from the blog of Dan Brennan, (and his excellent book sacresacredd unions, sacred passions) who did come from a point of view where he had to defend his positive views about cross-gender friendships all the time, which was not always as relevant to me, but he also laid out a beautiful history of cross-gender friendships, and a quite interesting positive theology of cross-gender friendships in the already-and-not-yet Kingdom of God.  He only confirmed my conviction that friendships are part of the command to love one another, and that this does not exclude people of the other gender.
(Something that’s quite obvious in the way Jesus relates to women in the gospels, sometimes completely contrary to the culture he lived in!)

So, what’s my conclusion: cross-gender friendships should be natural to those who followed Him who called us to love our neighbor as ourselves. It is part of the already and not yet of the inbreaking Kingdom of God in our world. I also think that learning to develop friendship-love towards the other sex is a very good antidote to the toxic tendency to  objectify women (and men!) in our society as sex-objects. My life and my faith would be poorer without them, and even my marriage would never have been what it is without what I’ve learned through cross-gender friendships.

shalom

Bram

The other synchroblog participants:
Chris Jefferies – Best of both
Jeremy Myers – Are Cross-Gender Friendships Possible
Lynne Tait – Little Boxes
Dan Brennan – Cross-Gender Friendship: Jesus and the Post-Romantic Age
Glenn Hager – Sluts and Horndogs
Jennifer Ellen – A Different Kind of Valentine
Alise Wright - What I get from my cross-gender friend
Liz Dyer – Cross-Gender Friendships and the Church
Paul Sims – Navigating the murky water of cross-gender friendships
Jonalyn Fincher – Why I Don’t Give out Sex like Gold Star Stickers
Amy Martin – Friendship: The most powerful force against patriarchy, sexism, and other misunderstands about people who happen to not be us, in this case, between men & women
Maria Kettleson Anderson- Myth and Reality: Cross-Gender Friendships
Bram Cools - Nothing More Natural Than Cross-Gender Friendships?
Hugo Schwyzer – Feelings Aren’t Facts: Living Out Friendship Between Men and Women
Marta Layton – True Friendship: Two Bodies, One Soul
Kathy Escobar – The Road To Equality Is Paved With Friendship
Karl Wheeler – Friends at First Sight

Doreen Mannion - Hetereosexual, Platonic Cross-Gender Friendships–Learning from Gay & Lesbian Christians
Jim Henderson – Jesus Had A Thing for Women and So Do I

Elizabeth Chapin – 50 Shades of Friendship



See also on this blog:

Jesus against the sexism of his time: Martha and Mary
On cross-gender friendships and Christians…
teenage flashback: I’m not flirting, but I might need a hug…
christians and cross-gender friendships
sexual dominoes vs the fruits of the Spirit
sacred unions, sacred passions (musical prelude)
sacred unions, sacred passions I: beyond the romantic myth
Sacred unions, sacred passions II: Freud and the irresistible sex drive
on sexy porn models and human dignity

* There is no such thing as ‘just’ friendship. A real friendship is a very valuable relationship that is not at all less valuable than a romantic relationship or a marriage. This expression just shows that our culture has a too low view of friendship!

24 responses to “Nothing more natural than cross-gender friendships?

  1. Amen and amen!! This is something that both my wife and I totally agree on – yet find it so hard to teach to others as they are held in the bondage that cross-gender relationship are all sexual. It is time to breakdown those barriers and just be ourselves with folks, regardless of gender.

    As to why this mess-up view is so strong, I think it is due to the lack of trust and self-control in our culture. Lack of trust as in we don’t think that our kids, spouses, etc. can keep their clothes on – for as we know via Hollywood and the our political/spiritual/cultural leaders, everyone will cheat if given the chance. This lack of trust pours over into our view of ourselves in that we think that we will somehow fall into sexual sin at the slightest opportunity – after all, sexual sin is a great beast that no one can stop. Rarely is the value of self-control preached or taught – whether in our schools or churches. Everything is about enjoying the moment or avoiding punishment; self-control is about neither. It is about having the control to say “no” to something and “yes” to others – controlled not by outside forces nor the beast of sin as Jesus came to destroy sin, not simply manage it! alas, I ramble on…so I will use self-control to stop. :)

    • No, your ‘rambling on’ is actually quite an important point:
      “Rarely is the value of self-control preached or taught – whether in our schools or churches. Everything is about enjoying the moment or avoiding punishment; self-control is about neither. It is about having the control to say “no” to something and “yes” to others – controlled not by outside forces nor the beast of sin as Jesus came to destroy sin, not simply manage it!”
      2 important points even, apart from the problem of self-control and character-building not being taught there is the point that Jesus came to destroy sin, not just manage it (or merely take away its punishment)!

  2. I love this post! “such an exotic thing as an American pastor”–how funny! Thanks for the reflection; peace!

  3. Pingback: Why I Don’t Give out Sex like Gold Star Stickers | RubySlippers

  4. Pingback: Link List – February 2013 Synchroblog – Cross-Gender Friendships « synchroblog

  5. Pingback: Cross Gender Friendships And The Church « Grace Rules Weblog

  6. Pingback: Friendship: The most powerful force against patriarchy, sexism, and other misunderstandings about people who happen to not be us, in this case, between men & women | Amy D Martin

  7. Pingback: the road to equality is paved with friendship. | kathy escobar.

  8. Pingback: Heterosexual, Platonic Cross-Gender Friendships – Learning from Gay & Lesbian Christians « Religious Refuse

  9. Pingback: Faith Seeking Understanding » True Friendship: Two Bodies, One Soul

  10. Pingback: 50 Shades of Friendship « Elizabeth Chapin ~ ChapinChick

  11. Pingback: Sluts and Horndogs? | Glenn Hager

  12. I made a mistake when I created the list of links. I should have used the name “Maria Kettleson Anderson” rather than “Maria K Anderson” If you can I would appreciate you making the correction. I apologize for the inconvenience.

  13. Pingback: What I get from my cross-gender friend

  14. Pingback: Friends at First Sight |

  15. thanks for sharing and i am so with you, these kinds of friendships should be natural instead of rare. i really loved this line: c”ross-gender friendships should be natural to those who followed Him who called us to love our neighbor as ourselves. It is part of the already and not yet of the inbreaking Kingdom of God in our world.” yes.

  16. Pingback: 50 Shades of Friendship « Elizabeth Chapin ~ ChickChaotic

  17. Could not possibly agree more, Bram.

    This is particularly good, ‘So, what’s my conclusion: cross-gender friendships should be natural to those who followed [Jesus] who called us to love our neighbor as ourselves. It is part of the already and not yet of the inbreaking Kingdom of God in our world.’

  18. Bram – I love what you have to say here and especially appreciate you pointing out two things that come to mind immediately when I ponder the idea of avoiding cross-gender friendships … (1) “friendships are part of the command to love one another” and (2) does that mean that people with a bisexual orientation can’t be friends with anyone other than their spouse????

    Anyway, like you, I think it is crazy to think that we should avoid all cross-gender friendship or that they aren’t possible …. and not just crazy but offensive to human beings in general.

  19. Pingback: Expressing Love Outside of Romance | D. L. Webster

  20. Pingback: On similar misandry in Christian fundamentalism and consumer capitalism? | Brambonius' blog in english

  21. Reblogged this on Stones in the Middle of the Jordan and commented:
    My “best friend that is not my wife” is female. My wife’s that isn’t me is male. There’s no issue with either friendship because our love is our spouse.

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