Yes, I know that according to the Cure, boys don’t cry, but according to Genesis they certainly do cry. Not just boys, but grown men even! I’m not really speaking of the band here though, but of the ancient book that opens the collection of holy scripture that is commonly called the Bible. It is also a common sentiment in some more macho cultures (not all though): boys don’t cry, men don’t show their feelings. Men don’t show affection even often.
Which is a quite stupid and unhealthy thing for boys and men. Not being able to show emotions, never even learning how to understand your own emotions, and acting like they don’t exist is just a recipe for disaster in personal relationships and for general unrecognized unhappiness.
How easily people take things for granted because they are part of their culture… I know from stories in other times and cultures that there are places as well it is obvious that men do weep, show feelings extravagantly, and are affectionate with each other. Most Mediterranean and Mid-Eastern cultures for example, macho as they are, have no problem with weeping men and men being affectionate.
And that seems to have been the case from very early on in biblical times even. I found an interesting example of that when I was reading parts of the book of Genesis on the patriarchs lately I noticed that the culture of Abraham and Jacob, which is completely different from my own culture and any current culture I know of, doesn’t have any problem with men weeping, or showing emotions and affection. Jacob himself is very emotional when he meets Laban for example, as well as rather affectionate with embraces and kisses towards Laban; a family member that he has never seen before:
(Let’s use the KJV for dramatic effect)
Genesis 29:10 And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother’s brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother’s brother, that Jacob went near, and rolled the stone from the well’s mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother’s brother. 11 And Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept. 12 And Jacob told Rachel that he was her father’s brother, and that he was Rebekah’s son: and she ran and told her father. 13 And it came to pass, when Laban heard the tidings of Jacob his sister’s son, that he ran to meet him, and embraced him, and kissed him, and brought him to his house. And he told Laban all these things. (KJV)
A few chapters and I think 20 years later he repeats the same emotional and affectionate thing with his brother Esua, who tried to kill him just a few chapters (and also some 20 years) before:
Genesis 33:1 And Jacob lifted up his eyes, and looked, and, behold, Esau came, and with him four hundred men.(…) 4 And Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck, and kissed him: and they wept. (KJV)
Same for example with Joseph and his brothers later on, who even weeps so loud that it’s heard outside:
Genesis 45: 1 Then Joseph could not refrain himself before all them that stood by him; and he cried, Cause every man to go out from me. And there stood no man with him, while Joseph made himself known unto his brethren. 2 And he wept aloud: and the Egyptians and the house of Pharaoh heard.
(…) 14 And he fell upon his brother Benjamin’s neck, and wept; and Benjamin wept upon his neck. 15 Moreover he kissed all his brethren, and wept upon them: and after that his brethren talked with him. (KJV)
Now, what does that mean? Apart from being a description of a culture in which men express their feelings and are rather affectionate with each other it doesn’t mean’Boys don’t cry’ is a stupid idea, unsupported by the bible and not healthy for men. A lot of men in the bible (and Mediterranean cultures) are much more emotional and affective, with Jacob and Jesus as examples. much more than that in some cultures this is normal and ‘boys don’t cry’ would be abnormal and alien.
It’s not because something is in the bible that it should be emulated, and the time and culture of the patriarchs is certainly full of things we shouldn’t emulate. Abraham lied, Lot wanted to give his daughters to a gang of rapists, Jacob cheated on everyone who came close to him except for his wives, but then again having four wives (or 2 wives and 2 concubines that are slaves of your actual wives) isn’t a very good idea either.
But there are better examples here that show that in biblical times it was normal for men to cry.
Jesus Himself, the Incarnate Christ, cried according to the shortest verse in the entire bible in most English bibles. (Jesus wept – John 11:35) Jesus is weeping here for the death of His friend Lazarus, even though He knows that Lazarus will be raised from the dead by a miracle later that day. But He is also said elsewhere to be weeping for Jerusalem. Just as other men weep and cry all over the bible.
Note that for the second part of where Jacob was different from modern male gender patterns we have also New Testament examples. Men are very affectionate with each other in the New Testament, which includes kisses too. Jesus is betrayed with a kiss, but it’s also very clear that the first Christians greeted each other with a kiss. ‘Greet each other with a holy kiss’ is a command we find at the end of a lot of Pauline letters, but one that few ever quote.
(Although the midst of the Covid-19 Coronavirus pandemic [wold-o-meters link for current state of the whole thing] might not be the best moment to tell people to kiss each other more though.. But you should get the principle.)
And even with the most careful hermeneutics it should be clear that whatever the word ‘biblical’ means, a ‘Boys don’t cry’ mentality certainly isn’t that. The bible shows us a lot of cultures in which men are emotional, and show their tears (also tears of joy) and affectionate with each other. Just as was and is common in a lot of other cultures throughout the ages. Which is the normal and healthy thing.
But as a Christian I think it’s quite obvious to say that if God Incarnate Himself didn’t have a ‘boys don’t cry’ attitude, and wept regularly, that it should be clear that such a mentality cannot be defended at all.
It’s also clear that the whole ‘boys don’t cry’ mentality and everything attached to it isn’t healthy at all, so maybe we best just get rid of it… It’s just silly internalized misandry and taking away a part of your humanity. All people have emotions. It’s not bad for boys and men to cry, nor to be affectionate.
What do you think